“Here comes the donkey
Chained to a ten ton plough
he’ll never make that hill in a million years
whip CRACK beat em down” -What the World is Waiting For - Stone Roses
That donkey is me. One of the Ocean City locals commented that I looked like a pack mule and that she was impressed with the amount of stuff I hauled to and from the beach every day. We noodads are used to this though. We can carry 10-20 times our own weight in gear. Maybe that was ants. At any rate, whether it’s carrying things through the airport, carrying multiple kids to the car in a rain storm or hauling beach gear we can pile it on.
The daily routine for me this vacation was to load up the beach cart, drag it down to the beach, set everything up and then commence digging. Digging post holes for beach umbrellas, piles of sand for sandcastles, moats for said castles and holes for the sake of having holes. This year it was a lot easier because I actually went to the hardware store about an hour before we left for the shore and bought a shovel. I have been keeping a list of all of the things that I think are must haves for a beach vacation for dads.
If you watch the Iron Chef you would know that “plating” is a big part in presentation of your meal. If you just throw a spoonful of slop in a bowl your kid will most likely not want to eat it. Oliver only asked for “more” because he was a dirty, starving orphan. Your kid needs to find eating fun and enjoyable. Here are some things that I have found success with when it comes to presentation of the meal. Read the rest of this entry »
A couple of years ago I wrote here on Noodad.com about what you need to know when flying with kids. My experiences at the time were small potatoes compared to the planning and fine tuned execution needed to pull off this one. Now I had 3 kids: a 5 year old girl that thinks she knows everything, a 3 year old boy that is potty training, and a 1 1/2 year old boy that does not like to be pinned down in a car seat. All this with a cross-country flight from Raleigh, NC to San Diego, CA with a layover at a little airport called JFK in New York.
Here’s what I learned from our trip. This list is not in order of appearance, only order of traumatic impact.
Always bring a change of clothes for you and your kids
Just when you think your 3 year old has mastered the “i need to take a piss and dump so I’m going to tell someone” this comes along. My 3 year old decided to not tell us that he peed in his pullup. 4 hours later his pee soaked pullup started trickling out onto his shorts and onto the plane seat. Then before realizing this fact, I sat him on my lap thereby soaking my shorts with his piss. Now we are faced with a decision of humiliating the poor kid for the duration of the flight and the layover by making him walk around in a pullup or having him sit in his pee-soaked shorts for the rest of the flight. We chose the latter. Good times. Read the rest of this entry »
Poodad is just one of those things that you know, “Happens”. And no doubt, it will happen when your kid is in the tub. This can be caused by many factors: the warmth of the water, the stimulation in the “Poodad Area” with the washcloth, the proximity to dinnertime, or some twisted vendetta against you. Regardless of reason, you need to know what to do when this occurs.
We all joke about how much “damage” a kid can do in the diaper when it comes to dropping the deuce but there are some serious health concerns when it comes to it. Contact to the skin can cause diaper rash or worse. Ingestion can cause serious health problems. So you need to know how to contain this incident quickly and without further harm. Read the rest of this entry »
Sometimes a picture needs no explanation. And this is no exception. Yes, that’s a dude with 2 boob-proportioned bottles harnessed to his chest. And yes, the caps must be sealed tight so you can breastfeed your kids in a full suit.
With 3 kids under the age of 6 I am ready to call it quits and cap my family size at 5. Based on past performance, my wife and I are a pretty fertile bunch. And although I feel incredibly fortunate to have such virility, it can be really scary. I don’t need a 4th set of butt cheeks to wipe. Or a 4th mouth to feed. I don’t need another tour of duty with no sleep and no alone time. I’m done with kids and I don’t want any surprises. But maybe I am a little afraid of the ol’ snip snip. Or maybe I just want to do this thing slow. I don’t necessarily want to nuke all my soldiers at once. Or blow up the bridge over the River Kwai.
So what’s a dude to do? I started researching some ways to lower my sperm count. Although not fool-proof I figure if I do a little everyday, it will only help my cause. For you guys who don’t have your kids yet and want to help your chances, you may want to read this list so you know what not to do.
Some dads like gadgets and others like the Father’s Day tie. I am more the former, but this year I got something that beat any possible gift I could have dreamed up. My kids made me a poster called “Things I Love About Dad”.
My son busted into my bedroom this morning, like the Incredible Hulk through a wall. “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!” he said, clutching the poster. I was still pretty sleepy as I was in the middle of exercising Father’s Day executive privilege also known as sleeping in.
Here’s how it’s done. Moms, get your kid or kids together. Next, ask them what they like about dad. If there is a baby, ask the bigger kids what the baby would say. Next, you write these on the poster, then you let the kids decorate. That’s it. My kids all like when I play with them, especially when we play ball. I learned that my son really thinks it’s awesome when we play slot cars together. My daughter likes it when I help her with things when she is afraid. She also thinks I look very handsome in my work clothes.
How can you beat that noodads? What did you get for Father’s Day?
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Read the rest of this entry »
If you watch the Iron Chef you would know that “plating” is a big part in presentation of your meal. If you just throw a spoonful of slop in a bowl your kid will most likely not want to eat it. Oliver only asked for “more” because he was a dirty, starving orphan. Your kid needs to find eating fun and enjoyable. Here are some things that I have found success with when it comes to presentation of the meal. 
Poodad is just one of those things that you know, “Happens”. And no doubt, it will happen when your kid is in the tub. This can be caused by many factors: the warmth of the water, the stimulation in the “Poodad Area” with the washcloth, the proximity to dinnertime, or some twisted vendetta against you. Regardless of reason, you need to know what to do when this occurs.
